My dearest Buhari,
My love for you floods my heart especially in this week of floods everywhere, from the US to India to Niger Republic to our own Makurdi. The flood of love has invaded my heart and body and soul. It has killed any doubts about your capacity to lead. It has swept away any criticism I have. Just like the floods in Makurdi, I was not prepared for this, but I have accepted it as the will of the almighty.
I have heard some people saying that instead of going to Daura to laugh and play with your kinsmen and some Corp members, you should have gone to Makurdi. What do they want you to do there? Did they not read your tweets? Afterall even the president of the US deals with things via Twitter now. You have tweeted about having a heavy heart and having directed NEMA to go fix things. What else do they want from you? Do you own a suction pipe or water pump? Are you the god of rain? Did they give you 97% vote? Also, do they not want you to go to your hometown to see your cows and extended family?
Darling, I heard the Supreme Court of Kenya annulled the Kenyan presidential elections and ordered a new poll in 60 days. Can you explain this to me? Is it not his court? I mean, I know that your own courts have asked you to do things before and you just put cotton buds in your ears (not because you were trying to block them out but because you really needed to clean your ears at the time and you were also battling an ear infection remember?). Do you think Uhuru was foolish to say he will obey the court decision? Me I prefer it your way darling. At least I know that you will do what you want to do in spite of a court ruling or judgment that says you should release someone for example. It makes you and the country predictable. So that instead of waiting for courts we can just come to you and ask what your plans are. Centralisation is a good thing. We can’t have courts giving unpredictable judgements. Now Kenya will go through that terrible process again.
Darling, I heard that the Cameroonian president has banned the Anglophone TV channel. This is giving me ideas. You know how one of your agencies wants to censor call in programs and newspaper reviews on the TV and radio? I think we should just be bold and just ban TV stations or radio stations altogether. Or make them begin their broadcast with a poem in your honour, just like NTA used to begin its broadcast with the national anthem when we were growing up. It will remind them to be loyal and not give a platform to disloyal people who want to ask what is happening with the economy or why you are not going to Makurdi or the state of your health.
Do you think we should talk to the head of the army? You remember he promised to catch Shekau within 40 days? Well, it has just passed. I think he should stop trying to impress us with deadlines. We can just tell him, it is ok and that we understand asymmetrical warfare and there is no need to make promises he cannot keep.
My dear do you want to arrest Nnamdi Kanu again? Someone told me you want to and I said, sam! it is a lie my darling doesn’t want to do any such thing. Can you tell me if this is true so that I will not give wrong information?
Remember those northern youths who held a press conference in Kaduna? The ones that a governor promised to arrest? Well, the thing is, you know he wears glasses and I think he is having problems with them. Because I know when he had them on he was able to arrest people like Audu and harass other columnists. So it must be the glasses because I know that while he may not be as tall as you are, he is a man of his word. I will wait for him to fix his glasses so he can find them and arrest them for hate speech against the Igbos.
I trust that after you have rested in Daura, you will try to look into the case of the Shiite man whose children and followers we killed. Let us do it for Karma. We don’t know where we will be tomorrow. Let us just release him.
Please don’t eat too much meat o. And remember to take your vitamins.
Yours always,
Elnathan John
