Darling Buhari,
I was worried. Very worried. You know when they accused you of approving millions in NNPC contracts from your sick bed? I was worried they were going to use it against you. I even began putting out word of how I was proud of you for being active even in bed: a thing that I find very attractive about you. But then your loyal deputy, stepped in and saved the day. See ehn, I like that man. And if I wasn’t so sure of your love, I would have been jealous of how devoted to you he is. I think that our worker in the Ministry of Petroleum should understand that we need him to fill a quota and for him to understand his place in all of this.
Sometimes there is the 97% and sometimes there is the 5% and we all have our part to play in the world. You know how there is the bird and there is the worm? The worm doesn’t know, look how horrible my life is, it is just here to feed the bird. The worm stays faithfully in the ground until it fulfils its God-assigned role. That is why I am glad the Minister for Petroleum has calmed down. May we all accept our roles in this life.
My dear, you know how people are complaining about the allowances of senators? Well, I just saw a photo of Senator Melaye abroad in a red jumpsuit-attire and I panicked. I now firmly believe that the senators need more money together with additional clothing advisors. Because an embarrassment to one is an embarrassment to all. We need to do it even if he gets sent out of the Senate through the recall process. He will still be called Senator of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.
We have an interest in how he looks. I am sure it is not in our interest for him to go around the world looking like a poorly dressed character from Power Rangers. (But wait, you will tell me if you want me to dress colourfully like him right? Red, blue shoes and the like? Please tell me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.)
So, the President of the World Bank has said that you asked him to focus on northern Nigeria when you met. People all over the internet were gossiping and casting aspersions on your person saying that you were this and that. I don’t know why people cannot be happy for us. Is it bad for once for you to do something for me? Yes, I am from northern Nigeria but something that is done for love cannot be a bad thing. It is not like you are hurting anyone by doing that. I think you should just ignore them all.
Oh I see that you are doing an operation Crocodile Smile in the Niger Delta. I love how you choose these names. First Python Dance, then this. I think it is a great idea to send the army in to scare people into loving peace. Because there is no price too big to pay for peace.
I think I want to suggest other animals. Can we make them more friendly animals so that the Armoured Personnel Carriers and tanks won’t look so scary? Like Operation Hyena Laugh? Or Operation Peacock Tail? Or Operation Pig Snout? Or Operation Goat Head? I would suggest especially the Goat Head thing if we want to send the army back to the South East seeing as they love goat head. Operation Isi Ewu. It will be the first of its kind. I am excited just thinking about it.
I am excited that you are back and healthy and looking forward to us winning again in 2019. I think we should keep this deputy when we run again especially with how he helped us sign these NNPC contracts and has not once joined the ranks of people trying to take over from you. And you don’t need to worry about me liking him too much because you know I only go for people who wear white and who are at least as tall as I am.
Now that we are entering the harmattan I hope you have your sweaters ready o. I don’t want you to have to go back to London. And it is not as if the State House Clinic is working. I think they need a little more than 3 billion a year so that they can at least be able to treat your family. But then that is not a priority.
PS: My weekly reminder that we still have Zakzaky and his wife in custody after killing all his children and massacring his followers. I am patient and I will keep asking until you add it to your To-Do list. Because love is patient.
Yours until 2023 and forever,
Elnathan John
