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GOODBYE, 2017

It’s the holiday season again and, for those who know me, the secret to my ‘longevity’ (I’m well past the 46 Life Expectancy for Nigerian…

It’s the holiday season again and, for those who know me, the secret to my ‘longevity’ (I’m well past the 46 Life Expectancy for Nigerian Men) is in the fact that I love a laugh, and believe not only in ‘Laughter is the Best Medicine’, but also in ‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people’ as philosophized by Victor Borge, the famous Danish-American comedian.

In today’s world, some jokes could be a bit condescending but, in my opinion, if a joke doesn’t do much harm, it’s not racist or religiously blasphemous, I proceed to enjoy it for what it is – a joke. Although my best source of jokes has always been Reader’s Digest, this season’s offerings are from www.guy-sports.com, another repository of a laughter or two.

So, as you enjoy this long weekend of rest, remember to call your child to decipher some of the jokes you find it difficult to get around, as our children have now become worldlier (‘more worldly’?) than us.

FAVOURITE FAST FOOD: Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?’ ‘We didn’t have fast food then,’ I informed him. ‘All the food was slow.’ ‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’ ‘It was a place called “at home”, I explained. ‘Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we all sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’

MADE IN ISRAEL: Four adherents of the world’s major religions were having tea. The Catholic says: “I have a large fortune…I am going to buy Citibank.” The Protestant utters: “I am very wealthy too, and will buy General Motors.” The Muslim adds: “I am a fabulously rich prince…I intend to purchase Saudi Aramco.” They then all wait for the Jew to speak. The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip, looks at them and casually says: “I’m not selling!”

FRENCHMAN AND BEDOUIN: A Frenchman was on holiday in Jordan. While exploring the desert to the east of Aqaba, he reached an oasis and fell into easy conversation with a Bedouin who was hobbling his camels. ‘How big is your spread?’, asked the Frenchman. ‘Well, it’s grown to about 10 hectares’, said the Arab. ‘Only 10 hectares’, the Frenchman responded, ‘back in the Dordogne, France, I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day. When I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm.’ ‘That’s terrible’, said the Bedouin, ‘I once had camel like that, but sent him to the cooking pot.’

COUNTING IN BELGIUM: ‘Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can’t.’ 

FRANCE CAPITAL RENNES: Jacques was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. ‘God bless Mummy, and God bless Daddy, and please God make Rennes the capital of France.’ ‘Jacques,’ said his father, ‘why do you want Rennes to be the capital of France?’ ‘Because that’s what I wrote in my geography exam.’

TEXAN AND AUSSIE: A Texan farmer goes to Australia for vacation. He meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, ‘Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.’ Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the host shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ‘We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.’ The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field, and so he asks, ‘And what are those?’ The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, ‘Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas.’

LESSON FROM BURGLAR: Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ the desk Sergeant told him. ‘I only have one question for him’, said Bruce. ‘I just have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,’ he pleaded. ‘I’ve been trying to do that for years without a single success.’

FINDERS NOT KEEPERS: At an antiques auction in England, a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, “I’ll give £100!”

BRIT IN SPAIN: Roland, an Englishman, went to Spain on a fishing and hiking trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishman pointed at the insect with his fishing rod and announced, ‘Mira el mosca.’ The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, ‘No, senor, “la mosca”…es feminina.’ Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, ‘Good heavens…you must have incredibly good eyesight.’

POLISH YOUR EYE: A Polish immigrant in the U.S. went to the license office to apply for a driver’s license. First, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with rows of letters.  On the bottom row were the following: ‘C Z W I N O S T A C Z.’ ‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked. ‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied – ‘I know the fellow!’

ALL LAWYERS SAME: ‘You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions?’ ‘Absolutely! What’s the second question?’

THE FIRST HUSBAND: In Sweden, a guy phones the local hospital and yells, ‘You’ve gotta send help! My wife’s in labour!’ The nurse says, ‘Calm down. Is this her first child?’ He replies, ‘No! This is her husband!’

ON INDIAN INGRISH: Devyani says: “Hey, I want to confirm one of my answers, can you help?” Anil: “Sure, which one was it?” Devyani: “We were supposed to add a suitable preposition in the blank in the sentence ‘Bear…me for a while.’” Anil: “Of course the answer was ‘Bear with me for a while.’ This means that the speaker requests the person to be patient for a while.” Devyani, looking confused, said she changed the meaning completely with her answer: “Bear chased me for a while.”

ASK MY CHAUFFEUR: A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his chauffeur suggested. ‘Tell you what, sir, I’ve heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.’ ‘Sounds great,’ the scientist responded. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions. ‘Yes,’ said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.  The chauffeur, panic stricken for a moment, quickly recovered. ‘Ah, professor, now that’s an easy one,’ he replied, ‘in fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it.’

2017 ALL OOPS: Dwayne is recovering from surgery in hopital, having had a local anaesthetic. The nurse asks him how he’s feeling.’  I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during surgery.’ ‘What did he say?’ asks the nurse. ‘OOPS!’

And for Nigeria in 2017, OOPS! May 2018 be BETTER!

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