Dearest Buhari,
I am sorry, really sorry I didn’t write you last week. I missed you, especially now that Boko Haram is disrespecting you and not listening to your words of condemnation. Any other person you condemned and defeated the way you verbally condemned and defeated them would have respected themselves and gone into retirement. Why won’t they just listen to your words and stop doing things like invading Rann, killing people and kidnapping others? Is it because we gave them money the last time for ransom? Anyway, I look forward to you condemning the recent attack in Rann and the kidnap of girls in Dapchi.
People keep saying that there is something suspicious about the withdrawal of troops just before the girls in Dapchi were kidnapped. But were they there? Do they know how hard it is to keep troops in one place? If you ask me I think no one in the army needs to lose his or her job or be investigated for this. But as we gather the money to pay Boko Haram for another ransom, I think maybe you should issue your condemnation in Hausa, Fulfulde, Kanuri and Arabic, instead of in English. Maybe the real reason Boko Haram refuses to follow your declaration about their defeat is that they don’t really understand English. Or maybe we can suggest that part of the ransom money we keep paying them must be invested in learning English. Ah! But then they are Boko Haram and are against Western education so that won’t work. So I guess we are stuck with the other languages. Please give your speeches in these languages and let us see if they will stay defeated especially as we try to campaign for 2019.
Have you thought of a new wardrobe for the campaign trail? Me I think you should stick with the white caftan and babban riga. Also, I think you should try getting a few clothes from the south so that at least people in the south will think you care about them a little. Appearance is all that matters. Even for the 5%. We also need some bespoke suits. If you are worried about not wearing a cap we can just create a personal style for you, kind of like the former Afghan president, who wore a suit and caps. It might fit you.
So now that the former NIA boss has accused your close friends of demanding bribes and money in your name, what is going to happen to people like Kyari? Me I think you should just be quiet about it. People forget easily in Nigeria. Plus you need them all for the elections. There are things you cannot do and people you can’t negotiate with or accept contributions from because you know, all that integrity you have. There is Big Brother going on now and also it is football season so that is good. Plenty for people to talk about. Let us just hope that nothing happens to DSTV. Because imagine that something happens and they go down for like a month. Suddenly people will be able to focus on governance without being distracted. We don’t want that. We want more reality shows, more football, more FaceBook and more Twitter. That way you can focus on governance and you can take your time drafting speeches of condemnation.
And about the recent attack on Rann, those Boko Haram people are so heartless. After your Air Force killed hundreds of civilians by mistake there, they still went to attack the place. Oh I am not trying to criticise you my dear, nobody is above making mistakes. But Boko Haram is not making mistakes. They choose to attack a place you attacked by mistake. Terrible people. I think we need to hurry with that condemnation. I can help you draft the one in Hausa. You know I can’t speak Kanuri and Fulfulde. So maybe we get some others to do that. They need to know you are not happy about it.
Oh, and can I just say I loved your jokes at the meeting with the governors the other day. Especially how you joked with the Benue State governor after all the people who have died in the crisis there. Sometimes we need jokes that don’t care about death or sensitivity. I think that “how are your cattle rearers?” joke was amazing. It made him forget all the attacked villages and dead people I am sure. Like Femi Adesina said, you are so so funny!
Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. It is 2018. We need good karma for our 2019 re-election. Release him, his wife and his people. Or conduct a fair and open trial. Then we can even use it to score political points. Hugs.
Yours until 2023 and forever
Elnathan John.
