This past week several things vexed me. Instead of bottling up, I have decided to let them all out. If some of you are miffed by the same, I have a fellow sufferer. Whether vexed now or not, remember they say ‘Januworry’ is always followed by ‘Februworry’.
DON’T YOU RECOGNISE ME?: ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ is common, but here in Hausaland, it’s more like ‘Familiarity breeds Maula (Parasitism)’. The other day at a Wedding Fatiha, someone who looked vaguely familiar came up to me and said Salam. I returned his Salam, smiling broadly. But when it appeared I couldn’t mention his name straight away, he became agitated. “Why don’t you ever recognise me?” I said I did but…Then he twisted the dagger: “If you do, call my name!” In the glare of other wedding guests! Must one remember all names? Haba! So I said, “Mallam Alhaji” (as the late Shaikh Ibrahim Kabo Chairman Council of Ulama used to ingeniously address those whose names he had forgotten). Everyone laughed and I used the opportunity to make my escape. Had I called that man’s name, he would’ve ensconced himself and Maula’d me (Mauled me more like it!) That’s why sometimes one doesn’t begrudge the elite who escape to the GRA. They are relatively safe from incessant Maula and unannounced visits but the flipside of it is, of course, they lose touch with ‘social reality’.
THE BLINDMAN’S ‘TARGETING METHOD’: Talking about Maula, unlucky are those of us who are a little more than ‘One At A Time, Please’! (Google if you don’t recognise the phrase). A certain blind man here has perfected a failproof method of identifying potential Maula Targets through the ‘Wrist Test Greeting’. It’s said when you, his greeter, shake his hand, or he yours, he will hold tight onto your palm and then use his left hand to enwrap and size up your wrist. If he finds it full and fleshy, he will say “Honourable, Ya Abuja? Me za mu samu ne?” But if he finds your wrist all skeletal and bony, he will utter “Sannu Bawan Allah! Ya fama da rayuwa?” Now, what a subjective method of identification! In this his case of ‘mistaken identity’, he is likely to address PMB with ‘Sannu Bawan Allah…” and poor teacher me with “Honourable Ya Abuja…”. This type of identification should immediately be banned – for I cannot even remember when last I was in Abuja (Google “Now We Can’t Even Travel To Abuja”).
THIS INCESSANT FUEL SHORTAGE: While the President, oil minister and NNPC try frantically to ‘resolve’ the fuel crisis, all their efforts are to see the solution in Abuja and Lagos. Allah Sarki Kano! (And West to Sokoto, East to Maiduguri and North to Katsina). Nobody seems to care how we survive. For these several weeks, we have been under the economic capture of roadside petrol hawkers, known as ‘Yan Bumburutu, danger of fire and all. And double jeopardy for those who drive a jeep – what a fuel guzzler that! And so, as the trio frantically try to solve the problems of Abuja and Lagos, let them look Northwards. Yes, we may not have loudmouthed media, but we sure have two million votes in one state alone. If this fuel queue extends to February next year, or a new scarcity is induced by the end of this year, there’s the danger we’ll be too busy in one queue to go to another. If you know what I mean. And by then our wrists have become “Sannu Bawan Allah…”
WHY BENUE NOT ZAMFARA?: The other day at a southern university I visited, a professor, no less, asked me why “You Fulanis” are so ‘wicked against other tribes’. Before I explained, I asked other academics around to lend an ear. I then declared: “Yes, I am Fulani, but if I were to block the path of Fulani herdsmen, they would kill me! And PMB is Fulani too. And ditto!” I let that sink in. There was some quite consternation. “Even if you speak to them in Fulani? Even if they see you are fair like them? Even if you shout Allahu Akbar? Even if…?” Then I asked: “Haven’t you ever heard of herdsmen/farmer clashes and loss of lives in Zamfara and Kano and Jigawa and Yobe?” No, they haven’t. “Actually, the media that feeds you this ethno-religious hate angle didn’t care to report, or else you don’t care to know. This is an ancestral economic crisis over land, and until the Federal Government wakes up to this economic reality, we are not on the way to resolution. Yes, I am Fulani, but I keep off their cattle path!”
KANO AIRPORT’S ‘DOUBLE’ TAXATION: Still on that jeep, they make one pay N300 every time one drives into Aminu Kano Airport. I accept that – I pay the same in Abuja. But the problem in Kano is that, for the past decade or more, I have been issued the same N100 receipt which has N300 stamped on its back. For Abuja airport, the receipt is digital; for Kano, it is a tiny little piece of paper perhaps printed during Shagari Administration. That’s how old it appears. I always feign surprise when they give me the N100 receipt and call their attention. They will grin and ask that I turn the back. There, N300 is stamped, manually, by analogue. But the most vexatious of vexations is that after paying the airport gate fee, then I have to pay another N200 for parking inside the airport premises. By threat of clamping. And that is not so in Abuja or Lagos. Allah Sarki Kano again! And I remember that the Aviation Minister happens (happened?) to be a good friend.
NDLEA REPLIES SENATE PRESIDENT: I was reading two Fridays ago in this newspaper that the NDLEA has ‘replied the Senate President’ on questions I had personally asked at the Senate Roundtable on Drugs held in Kano end of 2017. Two weeks now I haven’t seen the reply cc’d to me as the original asker of the question on this Column. And the reply has not been made public, as far as I know. To wit, the questions were: “Where are the Tramadol drugs containers smuggled into the country destined for the North including No. 3 Festing Road, Kano? Where are the arrested and named traffickers Mr. Stanley Arinze, Mr. Onuchukwu Benjamin Owulu and Mr. Igboanugo Vincent Tochukwu? I am mightily vexed!
