Darling Buhari,
You know how I keep warning you about Nigerian men? I tell you nothing has changed. They are so petty and have a weird sense of entitlement. They think they own people’s bodies. A Nigerian man will invite you for lunch or dinner, swear he wants only to be your friend, and then after buying you one shawarma, wants to sleep with you and control your movements. I have seen Nigerian men who, after one date will be calling to ask where you are and who you are with. As if he is entitled to such information. This is why I always advise people to hold ‘vex money’ when they go out with Nigerian men and always to try to pay for their own food and drinks.
Why am I saying this? Atiku. I see he has been making moves this week and even gave an interview trying to make you look bad by saying that you and your people took money from him for the elections but have sidelined him. What does he expect? To marry you after buying you one shawarma? I tell you this is typical Nigerian male behaviour. That is why I tell Nigerian women to beware of gifts from Nigerian men before they become Atikulated.
At first, I was a bit upset that you took money from him because you never told me about this, but then when he said you didn’t even ever call him after the elections then I was proud of you for being faithful to me. I would have been disappointed if just because of a small thing like campaign money you were going behind my back to have something to do with him.
I see people making noise that the FEC meeting was cancelled again. Abeg don’t mind them jare. As if someone cannot change their mind again. People even change their mind about marrying someone on the day of a wedding balle an ordinary meeting which you can do by WhatsApp. Do they know if you and your ministers have a WhatsApp group and if you people chat every day?
I can’t wait for 2019 when we begin the cross over into 2023. Because you know, that is what the good people of Nigeria deserve. I was going to contest for elections thinking that you wanted to rest and all but I am now sure that what Nigerians really need is you for another four years. Even that small governor who hated you before when his friends were in power and then when he was exiled and out of power suddenly remembered that you were electable now seems to agree with me that Nigeria needs you until 2023. Maybe then I will contest to take over after you. I am sure you will support me then because you care about me.
I am just happy thinking of all the stability and progress Nigerians will enjoy when you continue until 2023. I am telling you they don’t know how privileged they are to be having someone like you. Nigerians are like children who were born to rich parents and don’t know the value of the expensive items they own because they got it for free. Nigeria got you for free. In fact, if Nigerians become ungrateful and start talking about changing you, we should a privilege tax, so that they begin to pay for the privilege of knowing you from when you put yourself in power to when they put you in power. Because there is no one like you.
Maybe all this 2023 Atiku talk is because they now see you every day in Abuja and have become ungrateful. They don’t know you can easily go back to our annex in Abuja House, London and continue observing the country from there. There is no law that says you can’t do that. After all, you have an able deputy who is able to implement your good and perfect will. Think about it darling. Go for like two weeks and let them realise what they are missing. Then they will stop thinking of an alternative. Even in a marriage, it is good to travel sometimes so that you darling will miss you a bit and the love will grow stronger.
Ps. People are saying you want to rearrest that guy in the east who is talking about Biafra. Don’t allow the devil whisper in your ear don Allah. Also, as usual can we release the man whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves? I think it is time.
Yours till 2023 and beyond,
Elnathan John
